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Okay, I need to tell you that I haven't been very active here lately. Actually, I've been thinking of deleting my account on LJ just because of that but I think that I won't. Otherwise I would lose some very cool sites I go here even though I don't post here so often lol. Anyway, I decided that I won't be posting any lyrics here anymore because it would be useless. There's another website I created for every lyrics I write so it would be useless to put those here. This account will be my diary from now on since I always happen to forget my own cool diary back home lol. XD I've also been thinking that I might write these entries in Finnish because that's my native language anyway but then I think it might be better if I just stick with English since there are people who don't understand Finnish, right? So English it is (seriously, sometimes I feel like a foreigner myself because I even think in English sometimes haha :D).

Anyway. Today hasn't been a favorite to me at all. Actually, I'm quite pissed off at the moment. It's because I had to come to Piippola while I wanted to stay home for Mayday but no. I had to come here because tomorrow school starts on 8:30AM with Swedish and it's not cool at all. I'm very annoyed because usually on May Day I'm at home having fun with my family. This is the first year that has been impossible for me to stay and it does tick me off pretty bad. More than that, when I came to Piippola, I realized I can't go buy food from local stores. Hell, that ticked me off even harder! D: Luckily there's some bread in my kitchen closet so I may not die tonight for starvation, haha. But I can say that I don't feel very happy at the moment.

And annoyance itself has been ticking me off for a while now. It's been rising and building itself since I was very disappointed with how my thesis was graded. First of all, I thought I will probably get a good grade because I've never failed in these but I wasn't ready for a stricter definitions of those stupid grades so I got the worst grade of them all. It really saddens and pains and annoys me because I was so optimistic that it's gonna be a good number. Even that fuckin' annoying bitch in my class got a better grade than me! I may sound like a arrogant asshole now, but I really feel that they gave me a wrong grade. I just can't believe they give me that grade. It's been a week since my thesis was graded and I still can't believe it! ARGH! One thing that annoys me about this is the fact that the person who was grading it told me that my thesis was good at first and then just changed opinion and simply said it was crap. Nice going, you ass. Oh well, I guess I just need to accept this bullshit grade and live on with the fact that I didn't give up or anything else.

I think there's some more things that annoy me as well. My countless writing projects that has been piling up and are never complete. There's two huge fanfics that I've been writing since 2007 and neither of them are ready. It really annoys me. Then there's few original stories that just as old as those fanfics and it annoys me. Then there's lots of lyrics files that are incomplete, messed up or just pure crap. And also, there's many lyrics files of other singers that I've been trying to translate in Finnish but most of those aren't even started yet and I really want to translate every single one lol. These things really annoys me. The most annoying thing about this is that it looks like there's new stuff coming up all the time. I really need to get things in order and do something about these. Hell, I'll stay up late at nights and write if nothing else works. :D

One thing that annoys me too is that I can't go to the Born This Way Ball Tour. Lady Gaga is going to perform in Helsinki on August 27th, 2012 and I can't go. I missed The Fame Ball in 2009 (well, I wasn't a huge Gagastan at the time yet), The Monster Ball in 2010 (I really wanted to go but school was too important) and now that I have a chance to go, I don't have money to buy the tickets or pay the whole trip to Helsinki. Man, my life sucks so bad. I always push things to further in the future and it pains me because those things that I'm letting go are my dreams. :( Same happened with "I want to be a singer". I pushed it away further into the future so many times I eventually lost my whole interest in it. -.-' Of course, it was mostly because I feel uncomfortable with too many people around me. XD

I've also realized that I'm changing. My views and opinions has started to change of many things. I always say that I hate the thought of even drinking alcohol but in all honesty I'm a curious cat. Seriously. I WANT to try and go out and do some crazy stuff for once in my life and have fun and all that what other people of my age does but no because I don't have enough confidence. And no matter how much I say I don't give a fuck about what others say, I actually care about it way too much for my own good. That's why I'm starting to feel jealous to anyone who's more open and outgoing because I want to be too. It's just that when it comes to people I've grown up with I just can't tell them about these things. They will laugh and tease me till I just think, "Okay, it's fine that I just close my true self in and never show it to anyone anymore". That way I always end up keeping things to myself and feel alone and misunderstood most of the time. I just can't open up to people as much as I wish. Most of all, it annoys me that these people I can't open up more are my family and friends. There are many things I wish to talk about but can't say anything because it seems useless because they wouldn't understand me no matter how hard I try to explain it so I just give up on trying. :/ It's just so sad because I wish I was more closer with them.

I also hate the feeling of hatred. Some people can really make me mad and very easily to say at least. But in all honesty I don't want to feel hatred at all. I want to forget every regret and grudge that I have felt in my life and forgive those people who made me feel this way. It would make my life so much easier and I wouldn't feel like I'm a mess inside my mind. You see, on the outside I always seem like I don't worry about anything but if you could see what goes on in my head sometimes, you would run away. Sometimes what I let people see might just as well be a mask I wear to go on. It could be that the happy face I pull on is just an illusion. Or then it's how I portrait how strong I really am. My past has been total shit. I don't really have any good memories from it, or I just can't make myself to remember those because maybe I just don't want to accept that it wasn't as bad as I think it was. I just don't know. And I hate that I don't know because when it comes to me, everything HAS to HAVE a reason. Otherwise it's no good. If there's a reason it's good but if there's not... -.- It's just stupid.

I think I'll go write some lyrics now because I got really inspired from these things now. I don't know if anyone reads these entries but if there's someone who got worried, don't ever think I could harm myself or anything because that is for losers who has no fighting spirit. :) Life is a bitch. Everyone knows that, right?


kuu, kodakumi, j-pop, brazil, 12

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